..hidden door from the right...

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Good-bye Blog

Goodbye to this thing that ended a relasionship

Good bye all those awful stupid things I never should have said.

Good bye beginning, hello end.

A final poem.

.This is Killing me.

Its hard to imagine

Anymore days without you

Without a hug by you

Without a loving look by you

I remember the days

During our after school laze

You'd fall asleep on me

A brown soft tuff of hair

sticking out into the air

and arms hugging me

so closely

This is killing me

Remember days when it rained

it could wash away any pain

Kisses here and kisses there

When it stopped, it wasn't fair

Sunshine would be so bright

but dimmer than you

Becuase you are my never ending light

But now thats taken away

because of the stupid things, i would say

This is Killing me

This is killing me

Remember trips, we'd get lost

we'd laugh so hard, we didn't mind the cost

Sitting on the beach in each others arms

Keeping us away from the worlds harms

I can't sleep, my bed holds memories of you

Fun afternoons and just sleepiness too

I never slept better, than when I was with you

This isn't bothering you

I'm glad this isn't killing you

We had our fights, and they got bad

But nothing else has made me more sad

Than now, that you've gone away

I have to pretend, it doesnt bother me

But now without you, is definatly worse

than peak of a fight we had

or the effects of a curse

This is killing me

Remember laughing on the phone

we never wanted to be alone

we talk about things to the hours of night

everythign was perfect, it was all alright

now I know what I've done wrong

But I can't fix it, you've said so long

If god could only give me a time machine

I'd go back and fix everything

I'd still try to fix it all, but i know you dont want that at all

This is killing me.

Oh god, if only he knew.

Posted at 08:17 pm by Faerie
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...could this happen to ME? how rad....

Okay, so yeah. My day yesterday was AWESOMELY AMAZING!!!!!!! I'm so in love with pete that its dangerous. Hmmph. But we spent time together yesterday and that made me so very very very very VERY happy!! Then, I went to the church overnighter and we had fun there, and rehearsed the service we were going to do, and that was rad. The whole service was rad, but all of us starting crying becuase it was really emotional. Then something mega awesome happened that I didn't know about until later.

See, I played my song "Five Again" in front of the church and afterwards everyone was congratulating me but this one woman came up and was talking about how my voice was beautiful and that my guitar playing was very well structured and that I was just really good, and there was this other woman there agreeing with her. Mandy's mom was like "wow, coming from her thats really cool, I'm really proud" and I didn't really you know, soak it in, becuase I guess I didn't know WHO the woman was! We got in the van and mandy's mom was like "I realize now you had no idea who that woman was. Well, she's THE DIRECTOR OF THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT OF ALLEGHENY COLLEGE!!!!!!!!! And the woman who was agreeing with her was ANOTHER proffessor of music at the college as well!! I guess the director is very snobbish and picky about music, and I guess what she was saying, she doesn't just say to anyone. I am completely blown away. Wow. Oh man. This is way tooo cool. Plus, everyone was like "hug me!! you're going to be famous!" and i didn't know some of them. Too cool.

Then meadville flooded, and the park next to my house has water up to the cabin, and the fence is under water too. Its sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo coolio. But Pete can't play, he's doing work. Poo-head. But we'll go play later, because he loves me super bunches and he wants to have fun too. He's just got to work on a project. I have a huge essay to write.

THIS WEEKEND WAS RAD!!!!!!!

Posted at 12:20 pm by Faerie
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Friday, May 21, 2004

*this one goes out to the one i love*

"I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No...not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that...over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable--like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love--like there has never been in a play."

and to you..

"You will never age for me, nor fade, nor die."

"Nor You for I"

*sigh* Excuse me, I'm just lost in the lovey dovey world of shakespeare. Ahh. 'Tis bliss to think of love, and know that you've lived it. And to know that it waits for you. *le sigh*

Posted at 11:16 pm by Faerie
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Thursday, May 20, 2004

Plaid

I posted this on plaidbutton up.com "Top 3 things on your mind right now"

1. Lonely

2. Disappointed

3. Slightly happy about eating a frozen popsicle.

Said too well and too true. There you have it.

Lacey understands though, she's my home dawg.

Posted at 05:57 pm by Faerie
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..lonely lonely me...

Well of course everyone knows, but yes, we had a bomb threat at school today. We didn't have to stay at the vo-tech long at least and we got out at 11:30, so that was a perk. I looked for Pete the whole time, but when I managed to get where he was, he was already gone, lol. That sucked. It also sucked that he left and said he'd come back, but of course...that was 4 1/2 hours ago. Yeah.

Well Cassie left at 3, and a million people called and only one call was for me.....and that was Rachel asking for Tim's number. So, nobody cared that I was around today I guess. Thats alright. I fell asleep and took a little nap. Well, I guess someone cared, haha. Justin stopped by and he talked to me for about 30 minutes, and that was mega rad. He's a super hip cat. I wouldn't come out of the house for awhile and talked to him through teh screen because I looked bad, but I eventually came out and he says he likes the way I talk, haha that was cool.

I'll be going to rehearsal soon. Thats probably the perk of my day, besides talking to justin. Hmm. Not that great of a day so far. *sigh*

Posted at 05:36 pm by Faerie
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Friday, May 14, 2004

...a flea in her ear...

Was SUCH a good play!! Holy crap, it was funny and everything. I really liked it. We had a cool friday night, thats fo' sho'. See, at first we were going to go to Erie to see a movie, but the new gas messed up our tank and while I was driving we stalled getting food at Mcdonalds. Then mom and I had to walk clear home and get the truck. Well after that, mom and I decided we'd rather go see the play "A Flea in Her Ear" and it was obviously the better choice. I LOVE going to the theater sooo much. I just seem to fit in there, and the people all know me, and I know them and its awesome. My outfit got called beautiful by some random woman, so that was cool.

I saw Geoff and Josh too, and Jon. He sat with me through some of the play, when he didn't have to go do light board stuff. It was a nifty time. Weeee. Happy Happy.

Posted at 11:24 pm by Faerie
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Thursday, May 13, 2004

...will i ever make it out of this fog...

I'm so confused lately, and theres just no one that can seem to make it right. Well, I know of one person, that if they would just say what they felt, thought and believed, I wouldn't be so lost. But he'll never say all of that. Blah, I shouldn't expect him to though, you know? Thats dumb and whorish.

But I'm just...sooooooooo frickin lost lately, ands it really getting old. I just want someone to rescue me, but no one can. I'm not worth it, or theres no time, or they're just not interested. Thats okay, I'll deal.

I sit here and wish and wish on stupid little things like the clock saying 11:11, or my necklace being backwards. ANYTHING I can get to make a wish on, a wish that everythings going to be alright. But I dont know if my wishes are going to come true. It doesnt seem like it.

*sigh*

Oh well. Time to go to next period *vomit*

Posted at 11:10 am by Faerie
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Wednesday, May 12, 2004

NEW SONG!!!!!

I just wrote this new song, you guys can leave comments and tell me if you like it or not. I do, it expresses a lot how I feel. THough I know a certain person will probably yell at me for feeling this way if he reads it. Hah, he's just touchy about that stuff. But I'm on the verge of tears, feeling pretty set aside...so I wrote this. Please read it.

days wither on
nights pass by
i'm not gone
but i'm not the apple
of your eye
I'm there each day
wasting away
on the time
you'll never give to me

Things aren't changing
you know i'm not leaving
i'll be there tomorrow
so spare another day
don't go out of your way
like you used to
Why make time
for something thats
still going to be there

I used to be first
on your everday list
but then i was second
third, fourth
now fifth.
When are you going to see
i need all the loving
i used to have

one day you'll wake up
and i'll be gone
then are you gonna say
i wish i'd have spent that day
have put everything aside
instead of her
i should have called her then
suprised her in her bedroom then
called her up when i knew
she needed me most
instead of just going home
leaving her all alone

So go ahead
set me aside today
and just walk away
but dont be surprised
when tomorrow..
i'm gone.

I'm sure I'm still going to work on it a little bit and what not, just thought I'd post it and get some opinions. Plus, basically its like a journal entry becuase its expressing a lot of how I feel. Just....not as wanted as I used to be. Some people just don't understand how it feels to be left behind by a person you love, when you used to be with them all the time. I know I'm going to get yelled at for this though. I was hoping it would make them realize. I dont know..

Posted at 05:35 pm by Faerie
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..oh school..

Is definatly not working, and it saddens me. It's super hot in school and I dont like it, and we have this stupid internet hating-thinks he knows everything, NAZI for a sub all week.

Make me barf. Ugh.

All the cameras are out too, que irritable. Plus Yo tengo hambre (i'm hungry.) SO many problems I know...lol, not.

This sub is corny, and stupid and he makes me want to VOMIT.

I need to go home and go to sleep, but then I wouldn't get to see Petes beautiful face. *sigh*

Posted at 10:43 am by Faerie
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Sunday, May 09, 2004

At least someone cares..though..you know i wish it was you...

Mandy sent this to me, and I pretty much started crying all over again after I read it. I love her!

Yep, definatly making me re-emotional.

ANNIE
Say, Annie can I hold you just a little closer?
Annie, did he break your heart tonight?
I know that things are different, maybe just a little frightening.
But, Annie, don't you know I'll put the pieces back to right.

Tell Annie that I'll be here
And that I always will.
Tell Annie that's she's beautiful
And getting more so, still.
I have never known a woman
Quite like you.
And Annie, dear, please tell me you know
That I love you.
-mk 5/9/4

YAY!!!!

Oh, boys kissing. I wish I was being kissed right now..maybe it would help to get rid of this awful pain I feel inside. Yes, a kiss would be nice, though its not going to happen. *sigh*

Posted at 09:20 pm by Faerie
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